Wisdom!

That will teach you a lesson!

One of my current bug bears is the whole 'learning your lessons' ethos that seems to run its way through spiritual teaching. I have several problems with it, and even as I write about it I can feel my hackles start to rise. 

Now I am quite happy to accept that my problems with it may well come from my childhood. Those were the words that I often heard when I had gone a little bit too far with an adventure and ended up either covered in mud or with a big lump on my head (as an Aries bumps on the head where commonplace but I felt my adventures were worth it). Those highly accusatory and unhelpful  words just left me with resentfulness , pain, anger etc. Hardly a route to expanding the mind. So when a spiritual teacher begins with the words 'we are here to learn lessons.'.... ARGH.

My first problem with 'that will teach you a lesson' was that it never did. I just got back on the horse and had another go, which I happen to think is a useful attribute and to be honest that attitude has got me through a whole lot of crap in life . If I had 'learn't my lesson' and not got back on my horse I may never have achieved what I have in my life,  or coped with my difficulties as well as I have. Now I am not saying get on the horse and ride it in exactly the same way, that would be silly. Adapt , use what you know and try again.

Secondly , who exactly is teaching you? I don't want to think of the universe as an unfriendly place that scolds you when you bump your head.  I prefer to think of it as a gentle place that cushions your fall. So who exactly is wagging the finger , and who are they to scold me? The accusatory nature of the language makes me think of a nagging teacher rather than a nurturing guru.

Thirdly, the problem of self worth, 'you need to learn your lesson' kind of insinuates stupidity or somehow being inadequate or 'less than'. This is not helpful. In my experience as a counselor I see lots of people who already have problems with inadequacy and self worth.  The last thing they need is a finger pointing at them saying   -  'that was pretty stupid -  best you don't do that again dopey'.

 I believe we are all here doing the best we can with what we have at the time. Each time we try and fail we gain a little bit more knowledge to help us make a better fist of things next time around. It doesn't mean we were stupid before, we just didn't have all of the information we needed. 

Now before you all shout - 'That's what learning your lesson is all about you numpty'. I understand that, but it's about this being a nurturing lesson rather than a painful one and for me the language needs to change (happy to accept that it's my 'stuff' but I am certain I am not alone). This learning is about balance, it's about not mindlessly repeating something that doesn't work but adapting things so that you can get to your destination less painfully. 

Imagine a gymnast learning to do a backflip, the first few times she lands on her head, but by jumping higher and flipping quicker she learns to land on her feet. She is still doing a backflip she is just doing it less painfully, and when she finally lands one properly after hundreds of attempts it looks beautiful.

Here is my idea, let's think of it in less accusatory language and see if it feels better, from now on I am not 'learning my lesson' I am expanding my knowledge. Now I know it's just words but language and words are incredibly powerful and it is worth looking at your use of words, particularly the ones you use to describe yourself (but that discussion is for another day).

It certainly feels better to me , I feel less like the little kid with a bump on my head after falling off the horse for the 6th time and more like a grown up existing in a nurturing, generous universe, I hope it works for you too.

Thank you for reading and please do comment and share your thoughts with me, and don't forget there is help out there to help you to make the most of life's experiences, talking things through can really help to get things into perspective and support you as you grow.

©JaneHeronMay2014

www.complementarycare.org